The Bachelor: This is Not Happening

Let's not pretend it's about anything more than this, people. Do you think he waxes? Seriously, do you? 

Readers* have asked me if I'm going to blog about the current season of The Bachelor as I did for the last season of The Bachelorette. And the answer is...hell, no. Recapping every episode of Emily's season was not only physically exhausting, but I lost a significant amount of brain cells in the process that I can never, ever get back. I harbor a serious amount of regret from that little endeavor and an enduring embarrassment that I shed tears (water! salt! out of my eyes!) for Jef and Emily only to have them turn out to be greedy, grubby media whores. (Shocking! Nobody saw that coming.) You can't ask me to go through that again.

However, because I have a little extra space in ye olde DVR, and a decent amount of free time before my life resumes next week, I *will* give you the goods on the first episode. You can decide for yourself if you'd like to join Sean and his abs for the full season. Frankly, I don't need to watch crazy and mediocre dates on television, because THAT IS MY LIFE. (Minus, the hot air balloons and race cars and million dollar mansion. And the abs.) Now, on to The Bachelor Sean...

Sean was a finalist in the last season of The Bachelorette and was known for his stability and boring personality his abs. He may be steady and sweet, but the way he (frequently, aggressively) shoved his tongue down Emily's throat made me wonder just how "nice" this nice guy might be. While I am not worried about him making out all season, I am concerned about him making conversation all season. The guy was not big with The Words during his courtship of Emily.

Sean is 29 and a resident of Dallas, Texas with a career that apparently allows him enough vacation time to spend 7-10 weeks every 4 months with an ABC film crew. He believes in God, family and overly scripted dates with women with questionable careers. Also, his abs.

[Side note: The Arie/Sean dating pointers session was genius. I can't believe I'm saying this, but...they were funny! ABC, this is a contrivance you should stick with!]

THE WINNERS (and I use the term "winners" very, very loosely)

• Desiree, 26, Bridal stylist, LA: Looking to be completed. Brought pennies to make a wish in the fountain. I loved her dress. And kind of liked her. Despite the whole "complete me" thing. Gets a rose during their conversation at the cocktail party. Good move, Sean! 
• Tierra, 24, Leasing consultant, Denver: Family-oriented. Has a tiny dog, that I'm 99% sure she dresses in pink sweaters. Very enthusiastic. Gets a rose from Sean on the initial greeting! Must have been that sweet open-hearted tattoo on her finger...or that she's super, super hot.
• Robyn, 24, oil field accountant manager, Houston: Self-described as "quirky", although I might go with "odd". Especially after she tries to do gymnastics in an evening gown on the walk to meet Sean. Really, ABC, we finally get some diversity and she's the goofiest girl on the show? Ugh. OMG. But, Sean still cocktail party roses her. Didn't see that coming.
• Diana, 31, hair stylist/owner, Salt Lake City: The token single mom. Rose? I think? I honestly don't know what happened to her. That does not bode well for you, Diana.
• Sarah, 26, advertising ex, LA: Has only had one arm since birth. Has always envisioned falling in love "exactly this way". What way? With 24 other women and a camera crew? Sean is legitimately skeptical. Me, too. However, the arm...whateves! Sean gives her a cocktail party conversation rose, because she's just as neurotic as the rest of the ladies who receive a flower! Yay?
• Lesley M., 25, political consultant, DC: Modern Southern belle from Arkansas. Brought a football and made Sean play center just so she could look at his butt. Rose.
• Kristy, 25, FORD model (her emphasis, not mine), Darien, WI: Is ready for girls to be jealous of her and her confidence. Uses the phrase "Best from the Midwest" way too often. Also, I'm pretty sure she stole her hair from Joan Collins circa 1980s Dynasty. Unfortunadamente, rose.
• Ashley F, 32, professional organizer, Houston: Like, super, super, super organized. Foster kid, adopted when she was 6 and shed tears before the season has even started. Also gets a cocktail party conversation rose.
• Jackie, 25, cosmetic consultant, Boyton Beach, FL: Lipstick kissed Sean on the cheek. And gets a cocktail party conversation rose!
• Selma, 29, real estate developer, San Diego: Pulling a tissue from between your very ample bosoms is not a bad move, I must say. Sean is not unimpressed with her breasts charms, she also gets a cocktail party conversation rose.
• Leslie H., 29, poker dealer, LA: Used the word "hunk" and the phrase "holy toledo" and called him "McSteamy". Even for the Bachelor, that might be a bit too much cheese. She also gets a cocktail party conversation rose. I guess Sean likes cheese? What am I saying? He's The Bachelor, of course he does.
• Daniella, 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco: Crazy handshake, because hugging is too normal. Ok, then. Rose.
• Katie, 27, yoga instructor, Charlotte: I know nothing about her (we seriously see her, like, not at all), but she gets a cocktail conversation rose. Namaste.
• Taryn, 30, health club manager, Troutdale, OR: does not watch the Bachelor(ette), but Sean thinks she's purty. Passive-aggressive and weepy at the party. Yep. She's drunk. Rose. (Purely based on her looks since she didn't even talk to Sean. JUST SAYING.)
• Catherine, 26, graphic designer, Seattle: also uses the word "hunk"...what is going on here?! Still, a cocktail party conversation rose! This group is single handedly bringing back the 1980s!
• Amanda, 26, fit model, Newport Beach, CA: stages an awkward moment with Sean that is oddly charming, but what the hell is a "fit model"? Aren't all models fit? Confusing. Rose.
• Brooke, 25, community organizer, Pittsburgh: Purred when Sean hugged her. I mean, seriously, she PURRed. Might be a little too hot for Sean to handle. Rose.
• Lindsay, 24, substitute teacher, Fort Leonard Wood, MO: Shows up in a wedding dress and goes for a full-frontal kiss. Tells Sean she has "balls" to which he replies, "Oh! I hope not!"(Look at Sean! Making a funny!) Good thing he has a sense of humor, because she is absurdly drunk by the middle of the cocktail party. Rose. WHAT?!?!? Are you kidding me? (This must be the token "ABC made me do it rose.")

BONUS ROUND! An extra woman! Kacie B., 25, Clarksville, TN (from Bachelor Ben's season). Apparently, there's a history here. Can't wait to hear more about that. (Uh, yes, I can. I could totally care less.) Rose.

THE LOSERS

• Lauren, 27, journalist, Rhode Island: Already talking about taking Sean to meet her family. Um...these girls have dated before, right? They know this is not something you do on a first date unless you're a stalker? Oh wait...did I also mention that her Italian dad sent Sean a message? If he breaks her heart, dad breaks his legs. But, hey...Sean's not going to cave to that kind of pressure. I mean, have you seen the abs?!
• Keriann, 29, entrepreneur, Boca Raton, FL: Told Sean exactly how far she drove (2,700+ miles) to meet him. Interestingly, Sean doesn't follow up with "have you ever heard of air travel?"and sends her right back on the road. I hope she is filling her bumper with those cool state stickers.
• Paige, 25, jumbotron operator, NYC: on the Bachelor Pad 3. Feels like a failure for her dismal record on the BP3 and the Bachelor. I think she might be missing the point just slightly. 
• Kelly, 28, cruise ship entertainer, Nashville: Wrote a song that was kinda cute but was spray-tanned within an inch of her life. Felt like no one will want to date "the crazy girl who sang a song and got kicked off the Bachelor the first week". Um...I think you'll feel better when you get a close-up look at the rest of this season. Of course, Lindsay got a rose and you didn't, so maybe not.
• Ashley H. (good grief, so many Ashleys), 25, fashion model, Denver: Whoa! A 4th African-American. Welcome to 1980s television, ABC! You've still got a ways to go, but, hey, progress! Upon being eliminated, she said, "it's been years since I've been in love...I want my life companion." But, um...you're 25. Maybe give it a little time. Just a thought.
• Ashley P., 28, hair stylist, Macomb, MI: Loves 50 Shades of Grey and wants to "act out" part for Sean, after all "everything is bigger in Texas". Fantasizes about Sean ripping her clothes off and spanking her. Pulls a tie from out of her dress and asks Sean to use it on her later. Ashley has actively searched for a boyfriend and is not sure why she doesn't have one. I think I could give her a few clues. Also, gets REALLY drunk at the cocktail party and does some crazy booty dances. Frightening. Luckily, Sean tells her he also brought a "rape whistle" in case he gets in trouble. I mean, ABC! What is happening here?! You have lost all control of the franchise. 
• Lacey, 24, graduate student, Valencia, CA: Brought a lace heart. Sean kept it. But not her.

And that's it, people. If you'd like to continue a season full of weeping and improbable scenarios based absolutely, positively on nothing that resembles reality, go for it! Let me know how it all works out.

*By "readers", I mean the two friends that ask me questions about the blog.