Beans, Bieber and Butts

I actually found this photo on the interwebs listed as "sexy ass plumber's crack". There really is a fetish for everyone.

I used to have someone in my life with whom I frequently shared the absurdities of events and pop culture. I'd be lying if I said our exchanges weren't often the favorite parts of my day. A significant source of happiness and laughter is missing for me now. So, you'll forgive me if while I'm waiting for my life to fill up that vacancy I occasionally share some of the randomness of the world here. If these strike a chord with you, too - or if you'd just like to share your own take on some recent random news- holler at me in the comments section.

• I don't really want to be a Justin Timberlake fan. But...I'm kind of a Justin Timberlake fan. He's one of those celebrities I think is an incredible performer, but I might not like in real life. (Which is cool, because we're both *really* busy and don't have time for a lunch anyhow.) If you missed Justin on last weekend's Saturday Night Live, make sure you check out this "Bring It on Down to Veganville" mash-up of hip-hop songs converted into vegetarian propaganda. My favorite line? (To the tune of Ice, Ice, Baby) "Fiber! It's a dope ingredient! What you need to make your bowels expedient!" Genius. You can also catch JT on last night's Jimmy Fallon doing a barbershop version of SexyBack. (Note: Foreshadowing for bullet point 3.)
• Sunday's Parade magazine featured their annual "What People Earn" survey. Featured this year at the highest end were Justin Bieber** and LeBron James, both of whom rake in about $55 million in salary and endorsements a year. I'm proud of Parade for really emphasizing where a college barley high school education can take you. Stay in school, kids! On the other end of the spectrum, I learned Honey Boo Boo and her entire fam earned a mere $50, 000 from their reality show (which I could not complete ten minutes of before weeping helplessly into a pillow). Now, is the fact that the Boo Boos are barely eeking past the poverty line a reason for hope or despair? Discuss. I need someone to tell me how to feel.
• Finally, in the Sunday New York Times One Page Magazine, I was introduced to rumpology. This is a real career (for people supported by their rich sons), and Sylvester Stallone's mom is apparently the preeminent expert in the country! What?! I did a little research (read: a Google search) and discovered her website where she touts her knowledge of this "ancient art". If "rumpology" is too much of a mouthful for you, the site says it's ok to refer to it as "butt reading". The best news? You can have your rump read online!! That's right! Just take a photo of your butt and send it on over to Jackie Stallone and you'll receive practical advice about your future. You have to have some bank though. A full butt reading will set you back $300 while a crack-only reading costs $250 ('cause that's the important part, ya'll). I wish I was making this up. 

**If you'd like read a hilarious cautionary tale about what happens when you cross the Biebs, check out this story of the 17,000 hateful tweets Olivia Wilde got after she asked Justin to put some damn clothes on.

Communicating:

• I've had a few readers mention date stories they'd like to purge themselves of for all eternity. Maybe you don't want to start your own blog, but would like to air out your experience here? Send me an email at lovehurtsbaconheals@gmail.com . Misery loves company! And LHBH loves guest bloggers.
• You can follow me on Twitter if you'd like. I say all sorts of inappropriate things all day long there. @kale1stMenLater 

The beans make this recipe. I used Rancho Gordo's cassoulet beans. Because San Fran is the Greatest Show on Earth, I can get them at the farmer's market. You can follow the link to order them online. 

RECIPE
Readers, I respect you too much to explain how this recipe links to today's post. I trust you'll make the connection (and that it won't cause you to stop visiting forever). Like this version of a classic, it's childlike but made for adults.

FRANKS AND BEANS
from Bon Appetit
Serves 4

2 tbsp olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
6-8 garlic cloves, smashed (peel, then take the side of a knife, place it over the clove and push down with your fist)
1 1/2 lbs. good-quality Italian sausage (about 4-6 links), divided
3 cups white beans (about 2 cans, if you're not soaking/preparing dried)
1 cup dry white wine (I used some leftover sauvignon blanc)
10 flat-leaf parsley stems
2 bay leaves
10 sprigs of thyme
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
1 tbsp butter
3 tbsp chopped fresh herbs (I used parsley and chives, but you could also try tarragon, oregano, etc.)
salt/pepper

1. Heat the oil in a large pot or dutch oven over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook about 5-8 minutes, stirring frequently. Remove casings from 2 sausages (if firm, you may need to chop it into small pieces before cooking. Softer sausages you can break apart in the pan.). Add sausage to pan and cook, breaking up until everything is lightly browned (about 5 more minutes).
2. Add beans and wine to the pot and simmer 8-10 minutes until wine reduces by about 1/2. You can tie the parsley stems, thyme sprigs and bay leaves together with kitchen twine, or you can just throw them in and pick them out later as I did. Add broth. Cook over medium-low heat for about 40-50 minutes. Remove stems, sprigs and leaves.
3. In a separate pan, slice remaining sausage into coins and cook until browned (about 10-15 minutes).
4. Stir butter and chopped herbs into bean mixture and then season with salt/pepper to taste. Divide into serving bowls and top with sausage slices.

Now, you have dinner AND conversation! You're welcome.

This photo is not appetizing. That is why I am putting it in super-small version here. I SWEAR it was so delicious though!